Would Like To Meet...
by Trianne
Disclaimer: All original characters by Tolkien, of course, and New Line Cinema
Summary: Humour (well, that's a matter of opinion)
AN: One of my earliest attempts at Fellowship of the Ring humour, from Spring 2002. Reading now - could this be any more of a rip off of "Secret Diaries"? Oh well, it was a learning curve!
Feedback: perhobfan@yahoo.co.uk - always appreciated
Abbreviations: WLTM = Would Like to Meet
LTR = Long Term Relationship
Ads appearing in this Age's Males of Middle Earth
Elf Prince, early two thousands (looks younger) WLTM male, any species, for fun, friendship, possible LTR. Interests include archery, accessorising, seeing at great distances and snow floating.
My ideal guy: caring, sensitive, well endowed and with a reasonable lifespan, please. No Orcs, goblins, balrogs, dragons or salesmen.
Apply: Mirkwood 445
King in Waiting, sixty (looks younger), WLTM male, any species, for fun, fun, fun. Interests include ranging, walking, running, hunting, swordplay, boating, protecting, rescuing. Ideal guy is vulnerable, at risk, confused, brave, beautiful, but will consider manly type also.
No timewasters please, have only a 250 year lifespan, so time of the essence.
Apply: KIW, c/o Rivendell, marked Strictly Private & Confidential
Hobbit, fifty but looks much, much younger, WLTM male, any species, for rampant sex and games. My interests are bearing, crying, bearing, falling down, getting stabbed, being rescued and bearing. My ideal guy would be into bondage and have a very big sword.
Warning: Lifespan extremely vulnerable and prone to episodes of Ringlust, but will make up for this with very good mouth action. No Dwarves, cavern dwelling hobbiticidal maniacs or Southerners.
Apply: Wilderness 123
(if calling, please ensure discretion as am travelling with jealous type)
Wanted: Male
Apply: Boromir, Gondor
Wizard, very lonely, WLTM much younger guy. Am interested in ancient lore and wisdom, incantations and spell casting. Also have hat fetish and am very into staffs of power. Ideal guy must have a pulse.
Apply: Moria, but be quick.
Female (yes, I know this is a Males' Mag, but come on, this is the Third Age) WLTM handsome male with good prospects, ie Throne. My interests include shopping, riding, sheathing and unsheathing (swords), fashioning unusual jewellery, lurking in shrines and on bridges.
Warning: possessive dad with impossible standards so you must be cut above average death-defying sword wielding, regal, hero.
Will be willing to give up immortal life for right guy who knows toilet seat etiquette.
Apply: Shopaholic, Rivendell 69.
Elf Lord, three thousand (give or take a millennium) but wearing well. Was into Elves but now very much into Hobbits. WLTM blue eyed male hobbit with curly hair and soft skin and an interest in etchings from the First Age. Will provide enormous bed for right guy, with breathtaking views of Rivendell and tea making facilities. Have healing hands and am not afraid to use them.
Warning: Have very possessive daughter with impossible standards.
Apply: Hobfan, Rivendell 73.
Dwarf WLTM non-Dwarf type male. My interests include petrology, geology and mineral extraction, axe wielding and Orc slaying. Have been hurt in the past so am looking for sensitive Elf type to mend my broken heart. Have stilts and enjoy mutual hair braiding action.
Apply: Lonely Mountain and ask for Serena.
End
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