Selling The Story
by Trianne
Pairing: none specified
Rating: PG
Summary: Non-slash RPS soppy humour. Peter Jackson has to sell the basic concept of the movies to an old-time Hollywood Movie Mogul
Author's Notes: Sorry, that's all I can say. This is therapy, okay, its cheaper than Harley Street and its instantaneous. If this has been done before, hey, its been done again!
Disclaimer: As Peter so rightly points out, they all belong to the Tolkien Estate (and Peter)
Scene:Old-time Movie Mogul (MM) in a big burgundy leather chair. Peter Jackson, rather nervous. Desperately needs the finance for his vision of the Quest.
MOVIE MOGUL: Okay, Peter. Give us the spin. Sell it (clicks fingers), sell it!
PETER JACKSON: Well, the way I see it, is that we have this acclaimed, awe-inspiring work of Professor Tolkien-
MM: Sorry, Tokleen?
PJ: No, Tolkien, T O L K I E N. He was an Oxford lecturer, a Don, and in the 50's-
MM: As in the 1950s?
PJ: Er, yes... In the 1950s Professor Tolkien wrote the sequel, as it were, to The Hobbit-
MM: Hobbit, you say? And this was about what exactly?
PJ: Well, it was about a Hobbit. Hobbits are small people with pointed ears and hairy feet and they live mainly in the Shire which is in Middle Earth.
MM: Okay, we'll come back to that part later, Peter (makes note on pad fire the security guard on the main gate, and smiles benevolently).
PJ: Anyway, that was written in the early 1930s and primarily for his children. Basically, that was a huge success so he wrote a sequel-
MM: It was such a huge success he waited approximately, what, twenty years to write the sequel? Pardon me for being cynical here but there's huge success and huge success. Did Walter Shakespeare have a twenty year gap between writing Kiss Me Kate and Much Ado About The Midsummer Shrew? Did he? I don't think so.
PJ: Well, the Professor was a respected academic, raising a family, he wrote for pleasure, anyway, getting back to what I want to do with these three films-
MM: Three films did you say?
PJ: Erm, yes.
MM: (Shuffles paper, scans notes) So it's Fellowship of the Ring, Fellowship Part Two, then Fellowship Part Three This Time It's Personal?
PJ: No, Fellowship is the first but I see the three films as basically one film cut into three. The second will be called The Two Towers, and the third and final one will be Return of the King.
MM: So its Fellowship then two sequels?
PJ: (Sighs). Yes, its Fellowship then two sequels. Shot back to back, in New Zealand (coughs to disguise the location) simultaneously over a period of approximately sixteen months.
MM: Whaat? Are you crazy? What big name actors will commit to that schedule?
PJ: Well, actually, I was thinking of a cast of mostly unknowns with a few well established, respected actors thrown in.
MM: Okay, that might work. Look, according to these character notes you provided, Peter, I sort of see this Frodo character as maybe and hear me out here, okay McCauley Culkin. He's ripe for a comeback!
PJ: Er, McCauley is a talented actor but not quite right for Frodo.
MM: Okay, whatever, what about this Strider guy? Arnold Schwartzennegger? He'd be just perfect. The guy's got a great accent, he's a big talent, he's a big name he could be this Strider to a tee.
PJ: Well, Arnold is a great actor but apart from his salary eating up most of the budget, I see Strider as considerably younger than Arnold, with hidden depths and an aristocratic vein, heroic and you have to remember he does, in essence, sort of fall for Frodo.
MM: Frodo? Strider falls for Frodo? You trying to say Arnold is gay?
PJ: Well, you brought Arnold into it, not me, and no, of course Strider isn't really gay, as such, but there is a bond between the Elfstone and the Ringbearer and I think Arnold would struggle with it, that's all
MM: Elfstone? Who the hell is Elfstone? Is this some kind of joke?
PJ: No, that's just another name for Strider, or Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Don't worry, we wont call him that in the movie, I swear!
(Drinks water, perspires)
MM: (Thinking, dollar signs in beady little eyes). Well, actually, there is a huge gay following out there right now. Gay is big, hell all the big actors are falling over themselves to play gay. This could be a big draw, Peter. You may be on to something. Are other characters in the movie gay?
PJ: None of them. Okay, well, no, except that Merry and Pippin are very close friends and inseparable.
MM: Liking it, liking it a lot. And who else is gay?
PJ: Well, no one. Except there is this Elf, Legolas, and a handsome Elf, Elrond .
MM: Elves, you say. And do they wear tights?
PJ: Well, they could do...
MM: Go on, go on.
PJ: Well, there is a really touching scene at the end of the first film, when Aragorn kisses Boromir who has just slain a cartload of Orcs.
MM: Kisses, you say? What full mouth action?
PJ: No, a chaste kiss to the forehead, brother to brother, warrior to warrior, Orc slayer to Orc slayer. Then Boromir dies.
MM: He dies? Oh this is just too good. A violent gay deathbed scene? Fabulous!
PJ: Well, he dies against a tree really, and like I say they're not really gay, just very close and emotional.
MM: This is going to be huge!
PJ: Of course, the character of Frodo will be central to everything. He is the brave Ringbearer, gentle, courageous, pure of heart-
MM: And gay?
PJ: No, he's not gay, just friendly with Hobbits, and close to Aragorn.
MM: Close, as in close?
PJ: No, no. Look, Frodo is beloved by everyone-
MM: He's cute, is he?
PJ: Oh yes, he's fairer than most.
MM: So you want to cast a blond? I told you, McCauley Culkin.
PJ: No, Tolkien said that in this book, you remember, the source material? He meant fairer in face, I think, not blond. I actually see him as dark haired and with maybe startling blue eyes.
MM: No, make em brown. I like brown. My wife likes brown. Believe me, the fans want brown. Okay?
PJ: Well, I will bear it in mind, certainly.
MM: Okay. So what about this (reads) Gandalf? The magician.
PJ: Well, I have considered Sean Connery-
MM: Now you're talking! And is Gandalf gay? He should be very gay!
PJ: No, no! Well, he is very fond of Frodo and the other Hobbits, but he's above all that kind of thing. He's celibate.
MM: Celibate? What's that, some kind of fish?
PJ: Anyway, for Gandalf I really feel that the only actor who can do justice to the character is the great Sir Ian McKellen.
Silence.
MM: You mean that fruit? No f****ng way!
The End