Pairing: All of the LOTR Cast at some stage or another
Rating: PG13-NC17
Warnings: Bad language, stereotypes, bad jokes etc. Angst in this one, so handkies ready
Author's Notes: A daytime soap opera mission/quest/thing. Being the day-to-day story of ordinary movie star folk in their run-of-the-mill luxury men only complex in LA. "Hamlet: The Musical" does not exist as far as I know.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. No profit is made nor offence intended.

Episode One
The One Where Billy Writes a Letter and Viggo Writes a Poem

Scene: Billy's apartment.

Billy is sitting in the den. The walls are all contrasting tartans and there are paintings of highland scenes and caber tossing trophies aplenty.

He sits by the window, pen in hand. He has a letter to write and a pained expression on his beautiful face.

"Dearest, " he writes on the snowy white paper, "this is so very hard for me. Please bear with me. God! How unfair life is that we should find each other only to have to part. But I cannot go on living thus. Would that we could just lie in each other's arms forever. But it cannot be! For you deserve better than me and I will only bring you misery and despair. I cannot hurt him, I simply cannot. We must end our torrid affair now while we can. He must never, ever find out about Hartford and the- !"

Billy is distracted from his writing by the telephone's harsh ringing. He takes the call, and as he does, his letter falls inexplicably off the desk onto the carpet and he accidentally kicks it with one tartan clad slipper underneath the couch. This may possibly cause problems later, should his lover decides to call round and do some housework, which he has never done before but may well do now. We will have to wait and see.

"Hello? Ach, hello Jockie, great to hear your voice. Aye, its hot here – again! Aw, its raining in Glasgow? Well, it must be" – he glances at his watch – "about 8pm there? So, bedtime soon then? Not much to do is there? Aye, will be meeting some of my movie star friends soon. Oh, he's fine, yes, just great. Well got to go Jockie! Getting my hair done at Marcel's. Aye, catch you later pal!"

As he puts down the telephone, Billy is troubled. He is remembering Hartford and his night of passion with- Damn! He will be late for Marcel and the old pouf will give him a right rollicking. With a quick glance around, Billy dashes off for his appointment.

Scene: Billy's apartment an hour later

"Billy!" In he bounces and he is beaming. Oh its good to be alive!

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and Elijah Wood is in love. He has retrieved the key to Billy's apartment from beneath the planter next to the door and let himself in. It is such a good thing that crime is unheard of in Los Angeles.

"Billy!" When he realises that his loved one is not at home, Elijah is momentarily crushed. Then his natural buoyancy reasserts itself. He wonders if he dare fish out his cloves and have a crafty cigarette before Billy gets back but decides not to risk it. He has promised to give them up and he will!

So, it's a good chew on the nails then. God! How satisfying that is, worrying the nail to the quick. Elijah glances around the apartment. "Mmm, this place could do with a clean up. That Scotsman is an untidy guy!" he says.

A final suck of a tasty thumb, then Elijah removes his Gucci jacket and finds Billy's apron in its place next to the tartan shortbread tin and the haggis mix. The tiled floor is quickly mopped and then the dusting started.

"Oh, if only we had more money we could afford maids," he sighs, as he flicks a duster around the heavy dark wood furniture. The photograph of Billy and Elijah taken on the set in New Zealand is on top of the wide screen TV. Elijah picks it up and gazes longingly into those beautiful green eyes. "Billy" he says and then he tenderly kisses the glass before sighing, again.

Next, the vacuum cleaner must be found so he can vacuum under the couch..

Scene: Viggo's apartment

In his studio, a lofty and impressive addition to his apartment, Viggo is writing. To his left is a painting on an easel. It is half covered by a sheet but dark hair is clearly visible.

Viggo has not been sleeping. A half full vodka bottle stands within easy reach and he realises with a start that he is quite drunk. And it is only 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Damn this heartache! Damn this writer's block! Damn it all! Damn it all to damnation. He crumples up the paper and starts afresh. He must get this right, it must be perfect. He thinks of Dante and Beatrice, the Divine Comedy, Shakespeare's Sonnets…

Crumple. Start again.

Crumple. Start again.

Crumple. Start again.

Back at Billy's, Elijah has vacuumed extensively. He whistles while he works, jigging around and thinking about how pleased Billy will be when he comes home to a nice clean apartment. Elijah will fix a late lunch for them and then he will take Billy's hand and lead him into the bedroom. The bed will be fragrant and their lovemaking will be gentle and leisurely and just perfect. Oh. With a sigh, he moves the heavy couch out of the way so he can get right underneath. If a job is worth doing, its worth doing well…

Viggo throws down the paper and pen and stomps over to the easel. He must paint!

The sheet is pulled off and there is Elijah as we knew it must be. Naked and beautiful, like an ivory skinned angel…

"Damn you Elijah! Damn those eyes! Damn my aching heart which burns to beat next to yours. And damn Billy Boyd for having what I cannot possess!"

He picks up a paintbrush and dips it violently into the pot of black paint. The brush quivering in his trembling hand, he looks set to erase all trace of those eyes, that nose, that skin.. but he cannot do it. Broken, he lets the brush fall to the floor, catching his new Gucci pants as it does.

"Damn you, paint!"

"Oh, what's this?" Elijah says, bending to retrieve a slip of paper from beneath the couch. A shopping list, perhaps? A bill?

"Oh, it's a letter. I shouldn't read this."

Elijah's lovely face is pure innocence but there is just a tinge of excitement too. "A love letter. To me, from Billy. Oh, and I was beginning to think he would never do anything romantic!"

Elijah forgets the vacuuming and flops onto the couch with the letter.

"If it's a letter to me, it can't be wrong to read it, can it?" he asks no one in particular. He reads the letter out loud.

"Dearest, " Elijah reads, "this is so very hard for me…" Aw! Billy is so sweet! Elijah looks lovingly at the photograph of the two of them. Sighing, he goes back to his reading. "Please bear with me. God! How unfair life is that we should find each other only to have to part.."

Elijah is confused. Why must they part? They have just booked tickets for "Hamlet: The Musical". It makes no sense. A frown creases his lovely brow.

"But I cannot go on living thus. Would that we could just lie in each other's arms forever. But it cannot be! For you deserve better than me and I will only bring you misery and despair. I cannot hurt him, simply cannot. We must end our torrid affair now while we can. He must never, ever find out about Hartford and the- !"

A cloud has passed over the sun and Elijah feels as if the world has collapsed around him. It can't be true! Hartford? But that was the trip Billy went on with..

"Oh no!" Elijah clasps the letter to his broken heart. No!

Viggo swigs another glass of vodka and picks up his pen once more.

Yes!

Viggo blows on the ink to dry it and inserts the paper into an envelope, fixing the Mortensen wax crest with care. Now to find the nerve to post his poem to Elijah. He reaches for the bottle and finishes the vodka.

Mm. Out of booze. He must go shopping.

He writes: Vodka. Paper. Ink. Paint. Lube. Socks.

Its not much, just a list. The List of Viggo M.